Dear Dawn:

My mother died last year on New Year’s Eve  after a long bout with breast cancer.  She died peacefully at home with her hospice nurse as I was out partying to celebrate the New Year.  I was an only child and she a single mother, so we were very close.  I thought that I prepared myself for her death because she had been terminally ill for several months.  But the more time goes on, the harder it seems for me to get past this.  I have trouble sleeping, find myself crying at odd times, am irritable with my fiancee and can’t seem to concentrate when I’m at work.  Any advice or suggestions you can share would be greatly appreciated.  Sean

Hi Sean,

I am sorry to hear about the loss of your mother and how difficult it’s been for you to heal.  First, let me tell you that the loss of a parent is difficult for many people, especially when you share a close bond with that parent.  As much as we can “prepare” for the death of a terminally ill loved one, we still experience tremendous pain and loss when the death actually occurs.

The first year after a death can be the most challenging, as it brings all of the holidays, birthdays, family celebrations & traditions that we usually experience with our family in a year’s time.  These events and traditions often remind us of the loss because our beloved family member isn’t present and their absence is felt in a very significant way.  I also sense that you may be experiencing some guilt because you were out celebrating the New Year when your mother died.  Don’t be so hard on yourself, there’s no way that you could predict the precise moment that your mother would die.  Judging from the way you describe your relationship with her, I venture to guess that if you did know you would have been ringing in the New Year at her bedside.

I want to recommend one of my favorite books on the subject of grief, “On Grief & Grieving” by Elisabeth Kubler Ross.  Dr Kubler Ross was an incredible human being (and a psychiatrist) whose research, work and writings helped humanize grief and validate what most of us experience when we lose someone we love.  Her writings encourage us to remove the shame from our grieving processes and allow ourselves to feel and heal.  Here is a link to the book for you, click on the graphic for more information…

I am concerned that you may be experiencing some depression as a result of this loss, given that you are experiencing some insomnia, irritability and loss of concentration.  I can’t deny my bias as a psychotherapist: many of us have been trained in the mental and emotional dynamics of grief and can be of great service to you.  I suggest you first contact the hospice care agency that services your mom, as most of them have bereavement support services (including support groups).  I’d be surprised if the agency doesn’t have any support services for you, but in the event they don’t, ask for a referral to a therapist.  And be sure to reach out to those closest to you for personal support.  I’m sure your fiancee understands why you’ve been cranky and wants nothing more than to support you during this most difficult time.

I wish you a peaceful and transformative healing process Sean.

Be Well,

Dawn

Dear Dawn is a monthly wellness advice column written by BCWS co-founder Dawn E. Shedrick, LCSW.  In addition to having the professional experience and skills of a psychotherapist, Dawn has been lending her ears, shoulders and heart to loved ones and friends for years.  So it’s only fitting that she now lend a virtual ear to BCWS supporters.

To submit an email for consideration in this column, click here and fill out the form.  Be sure to select “Dear Dawn” in the subject menu.  Be Well!